Winter's Here (For the next 8 months!)

As I write to you, I am looking out a window across a frozen pond and the road covered with snow and ice. Winter is here! It has been snowing almost every day (at least a little bit) for a week now. I am only exaggerating a little bit when I say that I think we might have more snow right now than we did all of last year! I am so excited. Once everything becomes frozen over, it feels like Bethel is back to being how it is meant to be. Winter is definitely Bethel's season. It just fits.

Now, this doesn't mean that Bethel winters are a total walk in the park. There are plenty of hassles that come with the cold weather. For example, starting on October 1st, on all airplane school trips (i.e. volleyball trips), all participants must wear full winter gear. So, last weekend, as I headed to Nome with 17 girls, we all had to be wearing snow pants (or Carharts), winter jackets, snow boots, gloves, and hats. The coldest it got all that trip was like 25 degrees (above zero) so we were all sweating like crazy on the airplane.

But, once we got to Nome, we didn't have to wear the winter gear (which was a relief) and we had a great time. It was me with 10 8th grade girls, 7 of my JV girls and another chaperone. Because I was the only coach, that meant I was crazy busy during volleyball time, coaching teams back to back, but after that was over, we had plenty of time to just relax and have some fun in a different place. We went shopping (for food... they don't really have clothing stores in Nome either) and we took tons of pictures. The girls were hilarious and so wonderful. I'm lucky to be coaching them. On the court, I am pretty intense and I expect them to act like serious athletes, but off the court, I enjoy sleeping bag races, dance parties, gossiping about boys and all those other great teenage girl things. I don't necessarily enjoy the accompanying drama and the serious babysitting that 8th grade girls need, but it all balanced out to be a pretty fun weekend.

This week has also been pretty good. We got our actual reading program (finally!) and that has been really nice. We finally know what we should be doing during our Book Club time! High school volleyball has been a bit of a challenge, but it is almost over, so that is exciting. The varsity team (and I, as their female chaperone) go to Dillingham next weekend for Regions to determine whether they go to state. I am happy to be going with them and hope that their coach and I will be able to figure out some winning strategies for the weekend.

I also help organize a volleyball booth at the annual BRHS carnival last night. I got a bunch of the 7th and 8th grade girls to run a face painting booth and a balloon popping booth. They are a hardworking bunch of girls and I think we probably ended up raising about $300, which is awesome.

Oh! Speaking of Halloween. I dressed up for costume day on Wednesday as a grape! It was hilarious. I taped big purple balloons all over my upper body and wore a purple long underwear shirt and pants with green shorts. I couldn't walk through doors without rotating to the side, and I couldn't see my feet or clap my hands, but it was a fun costume.

Ok, that is all I can think of right now. I'm going to go head home and do a yoga class that I downloaded offline. (Since the roads are pretty icy, I don't really feel like going for a run and after all the candy I ate at the Halloween Carnival... I feel like I could use some exercise, haha)

Love you and miss you all lots and lots!

I'm good. I'm great. I'm Jill.

Yes. I do realize that I have been a terrible blogger recently. Life has just been super busy. First of all, volleyball eats my weekends (That is a way better excuse than my dog ate my homework, huh?). But seriously. I have traveled to Cordova, Seward, Nikiski, Nome and Dillingham since the end of August. I also have recently started helping coach the Junior High volleyball team. So, instead of working 8:15-4:15 and coaching 4:30-6:30... I now work 8:15-4:15, coach Junior High 4:30-6 and High School 6:30-8:30. That is a lot of volleyball. Now, in general, I love volleyball. But recently, coaching has been the bane of my existence. I have some serious ideological differences with the head coach (i.e. I disagree with just about every third word that he says) and it stresses me out so much that just thinking about it now gives me a headache. I just really wish I could get back to loving volleyball and loving coaching. I have been on the verge of quitting almost constantly since around the middle of September. But, I keep telling myself that quitting won't help anyone. So, I have been concentrating more and more on the individual players, trying to help them as much as possible and that seems to be helping me.

What has also helped me is being gone for 2 weeks. Let me explain. I got back from a volleyball tournament in Dillingham to news that my family was trying to get a hold of me. When I called my parents, I found out that my grandmother was very sick and my whole family was flying to New Jersey to be with her. I flew out of Bethel the next morning. Unfortunately, getting to the east coast from Bethel took me almost a full 24 hours, and she had passed on 14 hours before I arrived. I was sad that I missed saying goodbye, it had been years since the last time I had actually seen her, but it was also good to see all of my aunts that were there. I hadn't seen them in years either. So, I spent two days with my family and got to know my grandmother better. Is that weird to say? Probably. I just mean, I got to learn a lot more about her, see more pictures, hear more about her life than I think I ever had before. It was definitely an eye-opening experience. After New Jersey, I flew back to Seattle. It was a Thursday and I had actually be planning on being in Seattle that following Sunday for Christina and Josh's wedding, so I had three extra days in Seattle.

For the next week an a half, I relaxed, I did wedding things (learned how to tie/do/make/whatever-you-call-it a bustle, went to Christina's hair and makeup trial, ect), I saw some friends, got my teeth cleaned, got new contacts, got my hair cut and dyed, hung out with my family, took a Zumba class (so fun!), basically, I did all sorts of Bethel things.

The highlight of my Seattle time, though, was definitely Christina and Josh's wedding. This was only my second wedding, but I don't know how the two weddings I have seen can possibly topped. My cousin Amy's wedding in January was beautiful and touching and individual. Christina and Josh's was all the same things, in incredibly different ways. I don't know how to explain it. Ugh. It was great. Being the Maid of Shame (you know, the person who is on the other end of the Maid of Honor and the one who walks out with the Worst Man, haha) was a wonderful honor. I just have some awesome friends who had an awesome wedding and who are so ridiculously in love that it kind of makes me gag.

So, after all of that, I headed back to Bethel. I have only been back like 2.5 days and I can already tell that going home was sooooo good for me. Honestly, I have been regretting my decision to stay in Bethel ever since August. I have been unhappy, depressed and downright cranky about my situation since then. But, for the first time since August, I am so happy to be here. I really feel like this is where I should be right now. Basically, I hopped back into Bethel life just while it was becoming a complete shitshow (excuse my french). It is PFD time (you know, the check that people who live in Alaska get because they live in Alaska) and it just screws everything up. Suddenly people have more money and therefore they have more access to alcohol, drugs, and other awesomely healthy things. Domestic violence, suicide, and public drunkenness rates all skyrocket during this time. As I'm sure you can guess, this has a really great effect on my students. Their often shaky home lives become straight up disasters. One of my students came to me on Monday stressed because her brother was missing and the last time anyone had seen him, he was really drunk. Later that day, she came to me in tears saying that her brother had passed away. In fact, there has been so much drama recently, my coworker (and twin separated at birth- where I was then frozen for a few years) Adrian and I have joked that we should just put a sign on our door that says, "the doctor is in."

During all of this turmoil, however, I have found more peace than I have felt in months. First of all, I finally know what I want to do and it is all thanks to a conversation that I had with Matt Salazar when I was home. For years I have said that I want to work with students in an academic setting, but I don't want to be teacher. I enjoy working with student through emotional turmoil, I love making them successful humans first and then successful students second. I could never put a title to what I wanted to do, until my conversation with Matt. He asked me why I had never considered being a therapist. I immediately rejected the idea, I hate therapists (I've had some terrible therapy sessions in my life. Ok, 2. 2 out of 2. But whatever, I still think the profession sucks.) But, now that Matt planted that seed, I can't get it out of my head. I have now decided that I want to be a school counselor. Man, that just feels right. So now I'm looking at different schools and I am going to figure out how to make all that happen. But for right now, I should take this time to thank Matt Salazar for quite possibly changing the trajectory of my life. Sweet. I'm so excited.

I'm also excited because I am feeling way more healthy, happy and settled in my own skin than ever before. I know what I want to do with my life, I'm getting lots of practice with therapy (but still praying that the drama dies down soon, for everyone's sake), and I finally feel happy with myself. For those of you who know the constant drama that accompanies my personal life most of the time, you will be happy to know that for the first time in a long time, I am single, fully single, with no attachments to a guy, no drama (shocking! I know!), just me. And god does it feel good. I have never had a minute of my life since high school where I wasn't convinced that I needed to be with someone (someone specific or some shadowy future someone), until now. Right now, the thought of dating someone makes me kind of want to gag. Seriously. I'm sure eventually I'm going to change my mind and want to date again, but for right now, I am so thrilled with the knowledge that I finally realize that I am enough. I am enough for myself. That realization was a long time coming.

So anyway, I'm good (with volleyball). I'm great (because I finally know what I want to be when I grow up). I'm Jill (you know, the girl who finally understands who she is, even without a significant other). And I love you a lot.

I'm a big kid now!

That's right, folks. I have a real job. I have a real apartment. A real paycheck. Real bills. And I'm real busy. But, let's back up a little bit. I finished JVC on August 2nd. Actually it kind of felt like I finished a week before that because that was when all of my roommates left. I was all alone in my big house for almost a full week and that was sad. But then, August 3rd rolled around and I flew home.

Man, it was so good to be back in Seattle. I got to see lots of people I love, eat delicious food, pack up stuff for my new apartment and stress out about whether or not I was making the right decision to stay in Bethel for another year. But, all too soon, my time in Seattle was over and it was time to head back to Bethel for the first day of volleyball practice and of work. I wish I could say that I jumped into my life back here in Bethel as easily as I did the first time around, a year ago, but that would be a total lie. To be honest, I am not sure I made the right decision to come back. It just didn't feel as right as it did the first time. But, I had made the commitment to be here and so here I am.

Anyway, musings aside, lets talk about my life recently. I have been crazy busy. Basically, I work from 8:15-4:15 at the high school, working with 7th and 8th graders who need some extra help with their reading. Then, at 4:30, I transition to being the JV volleyball coach until 7ish. Then I walk home. Yay, 11 hour days! Also, up until last week, I didn't have a phone at all. So, for those of you who are missing me, that is my explanation. But good news, now I have a phone AND a P.O. Box. My phone number is 907-543-5113 and my address is P.O. Box 3522 Bethel, AK 99559.

But anyway, back to my busy schedule, I also have volleyball on the weekends. Last weekend I had a grand adventure with the Bethel Warriors Varsity volleyball team. This season, I will be traveling with the varsity team because the varsity coach is a man and they need a female chaperone. But, this past weekend, the varsity coach had to fly to Florida for a funeral, so I was in charge of the girls. The other chaperone was a teacher from the high school who had never played volleyball before, so not only was I put in charge of the girls, but I was also put in charge of all the coaching. Talk about some pressure. But it was a great weekend. Thursday morning, we all met at the airport and flew into Anchorage. Then, I went to go get the rental van. That was a funny experience, the woman checking out the van says to me, "it is strange that they sent a player to pick up the van.... don't they usually send coaches?" Thanks lady. I'm 23. Anyway, I drive the 15 passenger van back to the airport, and we loaded up all of our gear, and then went on a harrowing quest for Sport Authority and Taco Bell. I say harrowing because it was, in every way, a dramatic quest. I was weaving in and out of traffic, girls were yelling (incorrect) directions, and the chaperone was practicing her deep breathing in order to stay calm. Eventually, we did make it to Sports Authority, the girls bought volleyball socks, and then we went to Taco Bell and ate some delicious "authentic" Mexican food.

Then, we hopped back into the van and I drove to Seward. It was a beautiful drive that kind of reminded me of driving I-90 from Seattle. When we got to Seward, 2.5 hours later, we went to Seward High School and got everything settled where we were going to spend the night. The high school was kind enough to let us use their school to sleep in, and guess what? We stayed on the stage! That was pretty cool. Later that night, we played our first game of the season, against Seward. My girls played with a lot of heart. They tried really hard. (We got stomped. Something that would become a bit of a theme that weekend.) After that, we went to a great Chinese restaurant, then went to bed on the sweet stage.

The next morning, we woke up nice and early (we had to be out of the school by the time school started at 7:45) and drove to Nikiski. The drive took about 3 hours, including a stop at the Kenai Walmart, just for fun. Once we got to Nikiski high school, we checked in for the tournament. There were five other teams there, Nikiski, Seward, Kenai, Kodiak and Soldotna. On Friday afternoon, we played Kenai and Nikiski (stomp, stomp) and then watched some other teams play. On Saturday, we played Seward and Nikiski again (stomp and finally not a stomp). After we played our last game, we didn't stay for the championship game, we drove the 5ish hours back to Anchorage so we could check into our hotel and then go to the Anchorage Walmart and then to the movie theatre. Both times we went to Walmart, I gave the girls a talk about Walmart's cheap prices and the ways that Walmart gets those cheap prices (at the price of humans), but we all enjoyed the shopping nonetheless. I bought sheets, ketchup, mustard, ranch dressing, mayo, a water filter, sugar, ect. (Things that are ridiculously expensive in Bethel.) Then we went and watched a movie. Half saw Vampires Suck and half saw The Takers (I saw the Takers... ok movie, but it was just cool to be in a movie theatre!) After the movie, we went back to the hotel where a couple of girls decided to dye all or part of their hair blonde (all Native girls... I was pretty worried) We all decided to stay up until it was done, so we were up until like 3am.

The next morning, Sunday, we got up and went to the airport and flew back to Bethel. Then I worked all week, 8:15-7. Yep, I'm a busy girl. I get this weekend off from traveling, but then the next three weekends I will be gone, in Cordova, Nome and Dillingham respectively. Then I have a weekend off until I fly home to Seattle for Christina's wedding! I'm going to be racking up airline miles like crazy!

But, now it is time to head home. Our washer and dryer was just delivered this morning so I am hoping it will be set up soon so I can do my laundry for the first time in like 2 weeks. Yuck. Oh, but on a side note, you will all be proud to know that I shower every day again, all that volleyball practicing... I can't get away with not showering anymore. Haha. I will try and do better with my updating, and once I fully unpack and find my phone card, I will do better with my calling. I love you and miss you all!

The Human Roller Coaster!

It has been quite a while since my last blog and a lot has happened in my life. I guess it is time for another list, this is a list of all the things in my life that have made me the human roller coaster of emotions!

1. Back on May 15th, I watched as 6 of my students received their high school diploma. That was an awesome experience. Because we are such a small school, every student had the opportunity (whether they wanted it or not… they didn’t have a choice) to give a graduation speech. In their speeches, these students recognized the people who had helped them get to graduation, the obstacles that almost prevented them and the hope that they had for the future, theirs and all other BABS students’. The ceremony was beautiful, full of tears, laughter, jokes and heartfelt thanks. I was the punch line of quite a few of the graduate’s speeches, somehow, once again, I earned the nickname “The Enforcer.” (For those of you who don’t know, when I was an Orientation Coordinator, that is what many Orientation Advisors called me.) I choose to believe that this nickname is always bestowed affectionately, in a “Wow, I really wish that you’d leave me alone so that I can take my nap in peace, I really don’t care about my Alaska Studies worksheet… but when I look back on this, I will be glad that I passed the class.” So anyway, graduation was awesome, I felt like a mother hen, walking around, so proud of my little chicks (and gents). The ceremony, however, wasn’t always upbeat. BABS is a zero tolerance school and so our students are dismissed if they have used drugs or alcohol. In the 6 weeks before graduation, 5 students were dismissed and 2 of them were students who were supposed to graduate. Their absence was felt by everyone. The two that didn’t make it to the stage were also two students who were very close to my heart. BABS is a small school, so I had the opportunity to get to know every student pretty well, but these two were two of the students that I had spent the most time with over the year. I had spent time with both of them outside of school, I had spent countless hours with them working one-on-one, I had even edited their graduation speeches. It is hard for me to think about how close they both were, how excited they both were, and how disappointed in themselves they both were when they screwed it up. But of course, everything in life can be a learning experience and I truly believe that both of these students will be successful, they will earn their diplomas and they will do great things for the world. Roller coaster number 1.
2. After graduation, we had three more days with the rest of the students and then school was out for the summer! That didn’t mean that my work was finished, however. I believe that I have mentioned before that BABS is moving. We are moving out of our converted house and into a real school building. But, first, we had to get all of our stuff out of the house. 13 years worth of stuff. On the last day of school with the students, we all worked together to pack everything into boxes and move it down into the classrooms so that a moving company could pick it up the next day. I am not exaggerating when I say that the piles of boxes went almost to the ceiling and created a maze that you had to navigate to get from one side of the room to the other. Now, it would have been nice if we could have packed up all of the stuff and then had the movers move it into the new school and then I could have spent the summer unpacking it, but, that would be too easy! Instead, we packed it all up, the movers moved it to a gym and it will sit there until the beginning of August because the school isn’t done with its renovations yet. So anyway, it takes a ton of work to move all of the stuff out of the school, then Starr and I start moving all of the stuff out of the girls dorm. You know, dressers, bunk beds, mattresses, lamps, boxes of food, ect. All that light, easy to move stuff. Thankfully, we didn’t have to do it alone. Some volunteers for Fordham came to Bethel on a service trip and they were awesome and helped a ton. Then we got some men from the Tundra Center, a jail alternative, aka jail with a little bit more freedom, to help us move the super heavy stuff. They were also incredible and I can’t imagine having to do all that without our awesome volunteers. After we got all the stuff out of the school and dorm, the fun part was just beginning. Then, I got to spend the next week scrubbing, scraping, vacuuming, dusting, spackling, cursing, and developing sweet arm muscles. Yippee! You have no idea how relieved I was when I finally finished cleaning. Roller coaster number 2.
3. So, the kids are gone, the school is clean, what do I do for the rest of the summer? Good question! I am now working out of the old boy’s dorm, basically just hanging out all day in the living room of the dorm parents. Thanks Cory and Angie! My job this summer is to try and get our school full for next year. Unfortunately, that is turning out to be harder that I expected, no one wants to think about school yet! It is summer. All of my potential students are out at fish camp or visiting family or sleeping all day, basically what I would be doing if I were them. So, I do a lot of sitting at work. I do a lot of wishing the internet would work. I do a lot of wishing I still had students to hang out with. Yep, it is a very exciting life. So, it is nice to have little to do, but it also drive me nuts. Roller coaster number 3.
4. In order to keep my sanity, I have depended on my after work activities. I have done some pretty cool things recently. I mentioned fish camp earlier. Fish camps are basically like shacks on the side of the river that families inherit and go to during the summer during fish season to fish, to cut fish, to hang fish, to dry fish, and to relax. I have not been to a fish camp this summer, but I have gone fishing and I have learned how to cut and dry fish. The other day I went out on the river with a former JV and friend and we went drift netting. I had never done that before and apparently we didn’t do very well but I was still impressed with the 3 King salmon and 5 chum that we caught. Then, we went back to shore and cut them. O’Hara Corporation family and friends, you will be very disappointed in me. I am not a natural fish fillet-er. I get the job done but it is definitely not pretty. So, that was my fishing experience. I also had a fish cutting and drying lesson from our support person, Sally Russell. Basically, what people do up here is get a ton of fish and then cut them in strips or in fillets and hang them to dry for about a week, then you smoke them for another week or so. Then, you will have fish to eat for the entire year! Ariel and I are doing our best to help people who are fishing or drying the fish as much as possible so that we will have fish for next year. This isn't a roller coaster at all, it is just cool.
5. Next year?!?!?! What is she talking about, next year? Who is this Ariel girl? I bet you probably have some questions. Well, I have made the decision to stay in Bethel for another year. Actually, I made the decision to stay, then made the decision to move back to Seattle, then Bethel, then anywhere but Bethel, then Bethel, then Seattle, and now I am back on the Bethel train. Goodness. Aren’t you glad that I haven’t written a blog recently? Haha. Well, so anyway, I am planning on living with my roommate Ariel, who is staying and working at TWC, the local women’s shelter. I have a job, I will be working as a reading tutor for 7th and 8th graders and coaching JV volleyball. Sweet! We don’t know where we are going to be living yet, we are still working on that. But yea, that is definitely a roller coaster of emotion for me. I feel bad for Ariel, who has to put up with my constant second-guessing and mind-changing. Roller coaster number 4.
6. In other news, the play that I was going to be in was cancelled. Sad day. Only, it wasn’t so sad at all. It was a lot of work and it just wasn’t coming together. It may happen another time, but so far, Bethel is spared a Jill Bruton version of No Exit. Another non-roller coaster. No big deal, just interesting news!
7. Unfortunately, Bethel has not been spared another episode of Jill Bruton’s relationship drama. As some of you know, I was dating someone. He is an awesome person and I was very lucky to be with him. He was very good for me, he challenged me to be a better person and a better softball player, yes that is right, he even convinced me to play softball. I have discovered recently that I am kind of an athlete (I wish I had known that when I was younger!), but softball is not my thing. I was very blessed to have someone like him to challenge me and help me improve. Unfortunately, I screwed it all up. Big time. I am so used to being the one who gets hurt in relationships, it is weird to be in the opposite position. It sucks. To make this blog entry go in a full circle, I can see many parallels between the students who ruined their chance at graduation and me. I couldn’t understand how they would risk losing their chance at a successful graduation just for a couple of drinks but I can’t see how I could risk losing a wonderful guy by making a stupid decision. At times like this I realize, I am not as mature, as loving, as kind, or as smart as I would like to think. I have a lot to learn. Big time roller coaster. Number 6.

So, I have been through a lot in the past few months since my last blog. I have felt a lot of happiness and joy, sadness and despair, I have felt ready to stick around Bethel for another year, I have felt trapped in Bethel and needed to get out. I am a human rollercoaster of emotions. But, I’m riding it. What can I say? I am a 22 (almost 23) year old woman with lots of potential and lots to learn.

Anyway, time to get back to work, expect another blog soon with everything I have left out of this blog. And, as usual, I love you and miss you all lots!

Easter, Ptarmigan Plucking and More Ridiculous Bethel Stories!

I have more crazy Bethel stories and since I want to get to my now weekly Star Trek marathon, I am going to use another list:

1. I spent 2 hours at the DMV the other day with one of my students. She needed to get a state id card so she could fly to Juneau for a visit to the state capital. We were there for a long time waiting in line but it was totally worth it because I learned something really interesting. They don’t have addresses in the villages! So, the section of the forms where it asks for a physical address causes a bit of a problem. A woman came in to get her driver’s license and was obviously confused when she tried to fill in that box. After a brief conversation with the woman behind the counter, however, the problem was resolved. In the space she wrote, “red house across from the church.” Welcome to the Alaska Bush!

2. There were 7 JVs in Bethel last year. Currently, there are 5 of them here. Three never left Bethel, one moved up a few weeks ago and one is visiting. People weren’t joking when they said that Bethel keeps JVs for years! Anyway, because so many of them were in town this weekend, my house decided to have a JV dinner with last years JVs and us. It was really funny, I don’t think you could find two communities that are more different, but it was awesome to get an almost complete picture of the JVs we have heard about all year.

3. Then, later that night, I went to the first (hopefully) annual Easter beer hunt. Half of us were on cross country skis, half were on foot and all of us had the same goal. Find as many spray-painted beer cans as possible. The twist: it was getting dark and you had to chug your first two beers before you could continue hunting. Basically, it was one of the best Easter “egg” hunts I have ever been on.

4. But the Easter egg hunt the next day was a pretty close runner up. My roommates and I went over to the Klejka’s house for Easter dinner and then a unique Klejka family egg hunt. The actual hunting was your typical, look for the brightly colored eggs all over the backyard, but inside the eggs were tasks. After opening my eggs, I found that I had to do the hokey pokey, sing old MacDonald had a farm, high five someone and have a pillow fight with 5 other people, just to name a few.

5. (Warning: this story is not for the faint of heart)To end my Easter adventures, I did something that I had never done. Plucked a bird. No joke. One of my students called me Sunday night and asked me if I wanted some ptarmigan. Of course I said yes, and about an hour later, she stopped by with a trash bag with 5 cute white birds, that just happened to be bloody and dead. My roommate Joe had plucked a ptarmigan before so we all followed his directions. We set up a plucking station on our dining room table and got down to business. First, we all grabbed an empty priority mail box (thanks again for all the care packages, family, the boxes totally came in handy!), then grabbed a ptarmigan and got to work. Well, I didn’t really get straight to work. I tried to grab one, but when I touched blood, I freaked out. It took me probably five minutes to work up the nerve to grab one and throw it on my box. Then, once I did that, it was probably another 5 minutes, filled with outbursts like “Oh my GOD!” “Ewwww. Ewww. I can’t do this.” “Oh good lord. This is terrible,” before I could actually start ripping off its feathers. Once I did, however, it started getting easier, until I turned it over and saw that it was covered in blood. COVERED. Then, there was a lot more screaming. After a while, I named my bird Fred. Somehow it made it easier to snap his head, wings and legs off if I could tell a story about how he died. See, Fred was valiant ptarmigan. He was a great bird with an awesome girlfriend. They loved to fly from tundra bush to tundra bush together, until one day an evil BABS student came to kill his girlfriend. Fred got in the way, saving his girlfriend’s life, but ensuring himself a very bloody death. Oh the perils of true love! Anyway, Fred was dead, and now de-feathered and de-limbed. Next was the fun part, cutting open his butt, scooping out his organs and then cutting open and emptying out his stomach. Yum yum. I can’t wait to eat Fred.

6. Also, I have some exciting news. I’m going to be a famous actress. Ok, that is a total lie. But, in a few weeks, I will be up on stage making a big fool of myself as I pretend that I can act. I will be in the one act “No Exit.” If you feel so inclined, Wikipedia it. I am going to be Estelle. We are going to be starting rehearsals soon, so I’m sure I will soon have some great stories about how awful I am.

7. I also have so sad news. I was supposed to be going to Juneau for a big music festival with all the other Alaska JVs this weekend, but life has conspired against me. This week is testing week here at BABS so I am needed here and it would cost too much to change my ticket anyway. So, I hope to find some fun adventures to go on this weekend to forget about all the fun my housemates are having without me. Actually, my roommate Justin will be here too, but he is planning on sitting in a chair without moving for 24 hours this weekend as a spiritual exercise… soooo I’m not sure if I want to be around for that. Haha.

8. Ok, the last thing I have to say. It is still cold here. This morning it was -15 with windchill. It has been snowing off and on for the past week and it is supposed to continue. But, it is also super nice and sunny all the time. It is light when I walk to school in the morning and it stays light until past 9. Ridiculous Bethel.

Anyway, I love you and miss you all!

Oh.My.Gosh. I just posted this and then started packing up all of my stuff to leave work, then I found a little sheet of paper that I had written on at preschool bible school last week. I have to share it with you. We were talking about how God made each one of us special and how we should take care of ourselves because we are a gift from God. So anyway, I had them draw a picture of themselves. Easily the best idea of my life. When we were discussing hair color one of my students says, "If I let my hair grow long, it would turn light, like yours. That is why I keep mine short."
"You know, Jaiden, I don't think you have to worry about your black hair turning blonde like mine, no matter how long it gets... but ok."
Then, this other little boy turns to me, very seriously, and says, "Some people are white. You don't even know."
I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that... do I tell him that I am one of those white people? I decided to keep it simple, wait for someone else to rock his world with that statement and ended up saying something like, "Yep, there are white people, in Bethel and all over the world." Oh, preschoolers! Gotta love them!

Beautiful not Pretty

I have the coolest job. I seriously wouldn't trade it for anything. Some days, I seriously consider doing a second year of JVC just to keep working at BABS. But, not even my awesome job could convince me that I should be doing a second year of JVC. I am very happy that I chose to do it, but it is not something that I think I should repeat. I just hope that I will find something as fulfilling as the work I do now.

I feel like I haven't mentioned my job much in my blog, but there have been a lot of heart-wrenching, reflection-requiring moments at BABS recently that sort of overshadow everything else that has been going on with me. I am familiar with kids with tough home lives, I am familiar with kids with learning disabilities, I am familiar with kids with alcohol and drug issues. Heck, I worked with foster kids for two years! But, just because I have encountered some of these issues before, that doesn't make it easier to deal with. It still breaks my heart to hear stories of abuse, suicide and rape. And unfortunately, I have heard all of these stories in the past two weeks.

I know I have mentioned before that I see many of my students after school hours, at events, in the dorms, ect., so I wasn't at all curious when one of the girls invited me to hang out up at the girl's dorm one day after school. But, it wasn't long before I realized that this student had some things that she wanted to talk about. She ended up sharing with me about her abusive boyfriend and how he started hitting her a few months ago and how she knew she shouldn't want to be with him, but she did. To be completely honest, I'm pretty sure that if this guy had walked in just then, I would have been very tempted to show him a good dose of abuse myself. But, my student wasn't sharing this with me because she wanted to see me try (and probably fail miserably) to beat up her boyfriend. She just wanted someone to talk to, someone that could help her put things in perspective. And, it was kind of funny to talk to her about it because I could totally see parts of myself in her. If good relationships are like a train chugging along smoothly, I seem to always hop on the trains headed straight for the big sign that says "Danger! Track stops here." I seem to enjoy ignoring the warning signs and would rather tell myself that someone probably finished the track already but just forgot to move the sign. Unfortunately, that pretty much always ends up with my train running off the cliff with me looking around going, "Oh. S**t." It was very clear that my student didn't want to hop off the train, she wanted to believe that this guy was her frog that was going to turn into a prince. I do not know what my student will end up doing with her icky frog, but I am happy that my crappy relationship experience could come in handy. If nothing else, I think she was relieved to talk to someone who knew what it was like to be holding onto the slightest glimmer of hope and I just hope our conversation will help her throw out her old playbook for one with some winning plays.

The next intense conversation I had with a student started in a very different way. My kids have a ridiculously inconvenient way of sharing issues. I will be driving 7 students to school in the morning and a student will drop a bomb like, "yea, my dad was drunk and upset last night so I couldn't sleep in the house" or "today is the 3 year anniversary of my best friend's suicide." It is always hard to judge the best way to deal with those comments. I want to acknowledge them, obviously, but I don't want to slip into therapist mode in front of everyone else. I often just come up with some (probably stupid) response and try to talk to the student later, when they are alone. And on this day in particular, I was in a group reading session with some kids when one of them starting looking almost sick and asked to go to the bathroom. When she came back, she looked worse. When I asked her if she was ok, she said no. So, I left the rest of the kids to keep reading and talked to the student about what was going on. After a little bit of prompting, she told me that she was suicidal and she had been trying to tell everyone, even me, for days and no one was getting it. I ended up making sure she had someone (professional) to talk to after school, but it was frustrating because I felt so guilty for missing it earlier. Some staff thought that she was doing it for attention, but in my opinion, I don't care if she was doing it just for kicks, I was not going to take a chance, I was going to make sure she got more help than she could stand, just so she knew that I cared and I took her seriously. But, like my conversation with the student I was mentioned earlier, I don't know where this is going to end. I hope that they are both able to find and accept the help they need, but I hate feeling like I can't fix everything for them. I can only do so much for them and it is ridiculously frustrating.

The last story I have is from another student whose story came to me in little pieces. First, I heard that he had to go to court to testify. Then, he told me that the guy he was testifying against was a "bad man." Turns out, my student had been raped when he was young by an older man and the perpetrator was just now being prosecuted. This student, however, knew exactly what he needed and who he needed help from. He told me because he wanted me to know why he was going to miss school and also why he was a little freaked out the day before. But he had a staff member go with him to court, he had a meeting the day before with his therapist, he was talking about it when he needed to, and journaling about things that were stressing him out. I know that he was a bit of a wreck, but he pulled through it all like a serious champ. I admire his strength so much.

In fact, I admire all of my students to an insane degree. Yea, I have been with guys that have treated me like crap, but they have never been violent, I have been depressed and felt worthless, but I have never thought that I needed to end my life, I have been betrayed, but no one has ever crossed the line that far. I have carried my share of burdens in my life, but my students carry so much and still find joy and love everyday. How could I not love my job? I have the opportunity to work with and care for some of the most amazing young people in the world. Life at BABS might not always be pretty, but it is always beautiful.

I have mentioned this to many of you before, but my decision to come to Bethel was made in a very similar way to how I decided to go to Seattle University. I tried to convince myself to go somewhere less expensive, but not-so-deep-down I knew that SU was where I belonged. Then, when I was applying for JVC, I knew I wanted to be in Bethel, even though that kind of terrified me. Looking back on the past few months, on my job, on my friendships, my roommates, my life, it is immediately clear that I made another great decision. Now, I just need to wait for my gut to tell me what I need to do about next year! (Unfortunately, my gut is being stubbornly quiet these days, I will let you know when I find out more.)

Anyway, I still love you. I still miss you. And I am still very grateful for all of you, the wonderful people in my life. Thank you!

Broomball, Babes, Basketball and BABS in Bethel!

I guess I like lists. I mean, I hate organization. But I always find myself writing my blogs as lists. Well, enjoy my list of recent interesting activities!

1. I have started accompanying my roommate Ariel on her visits to the “kiddie jail.” It is actually called the Bethel Youth Facility (or BYF), but nothing in Bethel is really called it’s real name. BYF is divided into two parts, short term and long term. The short term kids are there on a monthly basis, the long term kids are there for years, or until they turn 18 and move to the real jail. When we go and visit them, we all sing religious songs (with hand motions!), pray and just sit around and talk. I have spent more time with the kids on the short term side and they are great. They are young kids who have gotten themselves in quite a bit of trouble, obviously, but they are such a joy to be around. I feel blessed to spend time with them. I have only visited the long term side once and we played volleyball! That is actually the reason I went, Ariel told me that they liked playing volleyball and so I jumped on the chance to get back on a volleyball court. Playing volleyball with them was hilarious. First of all, the court was tiny. I kept hitting everything off the walls instead of getting it into the court. Secondly, they do not really know how to play volleyball, it was full of blocked serves (illegal to block a serve), carries, backwards serves (where you face the wall and serve it over your head), and other ridiculous things. After we had played for a while, we went back into the main area and prayed. It was actually really awesome. To my parent and grandparent’s chagrin, I am questionably religious these days. I mean, I am a confirmed Catholic, I actually enjoy going to Church (most of the time…) and I believe in a higher power. But, I do not agree with many Catholic teachings, I hate the hypocrisy of many organized religions and I find myself flip-flopping a lot when it comes to making serious choices about religion and how it influences my life. Anyway, even me, in my messy religious state, saw the power or prayer for these boys. Ariel asked them to pray for each other, so A would pray for B, B would pray for C, ect. It made them obviously uncomfortable, but they came out with some really profound prayers for each other, it was beautiful.

2. Unfortunately, I do not go to BYF as much as I would like, because there is another activity that I (usually) enjoy at the same time. Broomball! Playing broomball is a ridiculous experience. First of all, it is freezing outside, literally. Last week, one of the guys came over to me about an hour into the game so that I could check his nose for frostbite. It was like -35 that day with wind chill, so it would have been completely feasible for him to be getting frostbite. I’m sure you think that I am nuts for enjoying this sport, spending 3 hours every Saturday freezing my butt off just to hit a little orange ball around on a frozen pond… and I think I might be a nuts. In fact, everyone that plays is a little off their rocker. Every week you can find 40/50 year old men who still think they are the hot shot 20 somethings that they used to be, so they are all intense and yelling and mean. Then you have the 12 year old boy who likes to beat me up. No joke. I am one of the two or three women who usually play, I am not very good and not very intense. It seems like a totally waste of energy to get intense about something I kind of suck at and so for the most part, the guys leave me alone. They play rough with each other but not with me. I get lots of positive feedback, “good job Jill! That was awesome!” (I just passed the puck to a teammate who was like two feet from me… thanks guys) I feel like I should be upset about this unfair treatment, but lets be honest. I am too much of a wimp and if they treated me like one of the guys, I wouldn’t last. There is one glaring exception to the “be nice to Jill” rule, however. The little boy. He is constantly pushing me around, getting in my way and stealing the ball from me (well, everyone does that, but he is more of a jerk about it). Last week, he even wacked my hand with his stick. Now, I realize he does it to everyone else and I am being a total wimp, but it is a pretty humbling experience. Every week, I get owned by a pre-teen. (Sidenote: I wrote this part before I went to broomball on Saturday, and I have great news to report. I figured out how to beat the pre-teen! Be on his team. Haha)

3. Also, this past week from Tuesday until Friday afternoon, I was the girls dorm parent. Basically, that meant, I spent the nights at the dorm with the girls, helped them with their homework, helped them do their homework, hung out and just joked around with them for three nights straight. Well, it was supposed to be three nights, but it was actually only 2. The third night, the girls were out at a basketball game until late so I was by myself for most of the night, and then one of the girls didn’t come home at all. Great. I was responsible for them for three nights and I lost one?!!?! Turns out, she was safe, but she had forgotten to check out with me before she left. That was a little bit stressful. But, it was a really fun experience. I love those girls. (these are the babes my title referred to, just so you know, haha)

4. I am dog sitting for the terrifyingly huge dog again. He still weighs 120 lbs. He could still kill a bear. He still needs pills shoved down his throat every night. But, now he also needs ointment put on his nose twice a day. It is an antibiotic cream for a scab he got by getting his nose stuck in the fence. The scab is starting to heal but it still looks painful. I’m sure you can guess how happy Lucas is when I start rubbing the lotion into his nose. Yikes. Well, so far, so good. I still have all 10 fingers! (Dog sitting ended last night and I am still all in one piece. Thank goodness!)

5. We didn’t have school on Friday because it was “spring break.” Guess what I did? I went over to a friend’s house and spent 6 hours watching Star Trek. No joke. There were 6 of us that gathered to finish season 1. I am not a huge Star Trek fan, I remember watching some episodes with my dad when I was younger but that was about it. And surprisingly (or not that surprisingly, if you know me at all), I really enjoyed watching the show. Oh and guess what adventure earned me? I have officially been elevated from "nerd-friendly" status to "a nerd’s dream girl" status. Sweet. Haha.

6. On Saturday, my roommates and I all went to the girl’s championship village basketball game. All of the local village teams came to Bethel this weekend to compete for a place at the state tournament and I am excited to say that the Kwethluk Lady Kings will be heading to Anchorage to represent this area. Kwethluk is a village close to Bethel that is home to a few of my students. Actually, the Chefornak Lady Shamans represented some of my other students, so I would have been happy no matter who won. Now, I haven’t played basketball since 8th grade and haven’t really spent a whole lot of time watching it, but this was a weird game to watch. My roommate PJ found the word that describes it perfectly, frantic. I felt almost stressed watching them play. Or maybe I was stressed because I was crammed in the BRHS gym that was packed way over capacity and filled with tons of intense fans. Whichever it was, it was definitely an interesting experience.

7. On Sunday I got a frantic phone call from one of the girl’s dorm parents. Apparently, one of the pipes in the dorm had burst and it was leaking water all over the floor. I rushed over there and luckily my roommate Justin joined me because I had no idea what to do. By the time we got there, Starr was just arriving and the construction teacher was on his way too. It didn’t take long for them to figure out how to turn the water off and to fix the pipe. But, the fun part was cleaning up afterwards. It has been super cold here the past few weeks and the water was actually starting to freeze in the entryway. But, we got it all cleaned up and everything turned out just fine.

8. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only BABS drama this week. As I walked into school Monday morning, I was greeted with, “Don’t touch anything, this is a crime scene.” Sometime between when the pipes burst and when Starr got to school the next morning, someone broke into BABS, stole $1700 in cash from our safe (which they seriously battered) and broke one of our doors. It is pretty upsetting to know that someone would steal from a school and I really hope that they find the jerk who did it.

9. On a brighter note, Ariel, Joe and I have started a new tradition! Joe has started reading Ariel and I a bedtime story every night. Oh, first of all, fun fact. Ariel and I share a bed now. Well, technically we don’t. We pushed our beds together, so now we have a double wide Queen size bed. It is pretty fun. But anyway, Joe comes in every night and reads us a chapter or two from Northern Lights, a Nora Roberts romance novel based in Alaska. It is actually surprisingly accurate, so if you want a more professionally written version of life in Alaska, you might pick it up! On second thought, since we are only on chapter 5 and haven’t gotten to any of the juicy parts yet, maybe I shouldn’t be encouraging anyone to read it yet… I should also make it clear that the setting is the surprisingly accurate part, not the romance part. (But, like I just said, we haven’t read any real romance novel-y parts yet, so maybe it will be accurate too, *wink wink*) ((Just kidding! No exciting Bethel romance for me to report, sorry!))

Ok, time to walk home. OH! But first, another exciting thing. I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT. Like, actually the light. I can watch the sun start to rise on my walk to work and then the sun doesn’t set until like 6:30/7. Amazing. So, I guess now it is time to enjoy the -10 degree (-30 with wind chill) weather and the sunlight.

Love and miss you all!

Time to get to livin'!

Right now, I am sitting in the Cultural Center, usually a very reliable place to get internet. But, apparently there are sunspots that are interfering with our signal. Only in Alaska. Oh yea, and it was a 10 minute walk in -40 degree weather to get here in the first place. If the internet doesn’t come on soon, I’m going to have to have a stern talk with the sun… Oh, it is back on! Great, lets get to the reason I am writing to you today.

The other day, when I was driving to go pick up some of my students, I was listening to one of the three Bethel radio stations (we have THREE radio stations now!) and heard this Dolly Parton song that really spoke to me. In fact, I immediately filed it away so that I could share it with all of you. The song is called “Better get to Livin.” You may be shocked that I will be quoting a Dolly Parton song and not some emo song, but what can I say, I listen to country a lot these days. (It is always on the radio.) Anyway, I am going to steal a format that my good friend Stacey, a JV in Baltimore used once for one of her blogs, using song lyrics to tell her story. So, here goes.

A girlfriend came to my house / Started cryin' on my shoulder Sunday evening / She was spinnin' such a sad tale / I could not believe the yarn that she was weavin' / So negative the words she had to say / I said if I had a violin I'd play.

Like I have mentioned previously, December and January were rough months for me. I was walking around with a lot of baggage. I was stressed about my family, I got dumped, and I was just generally floating around in a bit of a painful haze. I feel really bad for my roommates that had to deal with my ridiculous mood swings and my tendency to be quite dramatic. Lets just say that I can either be a joy or a jerk. I’m sure you can figure out which I one showed more.

But then I had a wake up call. It wasn’t sudden, like an alarm clock going off in the morning, it was more like the sunrise in your bedroom window that wakes you up with its low ascent into the sky. After a few weeks of wallowing, I followed Dolly’s advice.

You better get to livin', givin' / Don't forget to throw in a little forgivin' / And lovin' on the way / You better get to knowin', showin' / A little bit more concerned about where you're goin' / Just a word unto the wise / You better get to livin'.

So, I have gotten to living. Or I guess it should technically be, I have gotten to livin’. Whatever. But, I’ve been doing it. I started walking to school more often. I am definitely more used to the cold weather these days and my walks have become a very important part of my day. Also, the sun is out way more these days. In a few more days I will even get to see the sun start rising on my walk to work! Awesome.

I have also started trying to get out more. The other day I went cross-country skiing with my co-worker/friend Chris. We ended up going 4 miles because we got lost, but he had his GPS with him, which was great. Actually, funny story about that day. After our teacher inservice on Monday, Chris and I got all geared up and then headed out in his Jeep onto the river road (the river is frozen like 4 feet thick and is used as a road now). It was my first time actually driving on the river, which was pretty sweet. It is super bumpy and could be dangerous if you got stuck in the snow, so you have to speed along pretty well and just try and not hit the ice equivalent of speed bumps too hard. So, we get to where we are going to ski, then we ski for a few hours and then head back to the Jeep to go home. We are heading back when all of a sudden, we realize that there is traffic ahead. We are headed right towards an Alaskan traffic jam. It isn’t cars ahead of us on the road. It is a dog team! Two, in fact. Dog teams only go about a max of 15 mph, and before we came up to them we were going about 45 mph, just to be careful and not get stuck in the snow. But, our four legged friends in front of us were blocking the entire path. We couldn’t go around them because we were surrounded by snow drifts, so we had to just sort of creep along behind them until we split ways.

Now, I have zero survival skills. During all of this, I did not realize that we could have actually been in danger if we had gotten stuck. I mean, we had good warm gear and there is plenty of snow machine or car traffic on the river, but it still would’ve sucked if we got stuck. But so the whole time we were driving back, Chris was on the verge of freaking out and I was as cool as a cucumber. Because I am also about as smart as a cucumber (when it comes to stuff like that). But, we survived and once we were safe again, Chris told me why he was stressed. I’m kind of happy I was ignorant.

Other fun activities recently include: an author/photographer’s reading and writer’s craft lecture this week, making new friends, taking my kids to work at a soup kitchen, making a much more successful batch of bagels, watching lots of movies celebrating the birthdays of friends in Bethel and just hanging out with the roommates.

I said you'd better get to livin', givin' / Be willing and forgivin' / Cause all healing has to start with you / You better stop whining, pining / Get your dreams in line / And then just shine, design, refine / Until they come true / And you better get to livin'.

The forgiving and the healing part of this song are the things I have been struggling with, but even that is getting better since I have gotten a little perspective. My family drives me nuts, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Seriously. I swear. No, I’m serious! As for the getting dumped thing, well, it has happened before and with my luck, it will happen again. And heck, there are still 400 guys to each girl in Bethel. Living in Alaska brings a whole new perspective on the saying “there are plenty more fish in the sea.

We are now entering out 7^th month and while I absolutely cannot believe I am over halfway done with my JVC year, I am also feeling really good about what is going to come next. I loved the Dolly line “get your dreams in line / and then just shine, design, refine.” That is my focus right now. Coming to Bethel was a way to challenge myself, see how much I can do, who I can become. Next year, I want to continue this journey and see where it takes me. I am not making any decisions about a destination, I just have a goal. Now is my time to shine, design and refine myself, and I love it. Now, it is time to head to broomball, and to get to livin’!

The day we're born we start to die / Don't waste one minute of this life / Get to livin' / Share your dreams and share your laughter / Make some points for the great hereafter. / Better start carin' / Better start sharin' / Better start tryin' Better start smiling / And you better get to livin'...

Orcas, Sea Lions and Reflection. Oh My!

Hello, my faithful followers!
Today the weather has been a balmy 32 degrees, sunny and beautiful. I am not joking when I say that it feels balmy. In fact, my kids actually complain about how hot it is here when the weather gets this warm. It makes me really worry about my students' productivity in the spring, if they are already rolling down the windows in the car, wearing t-shirts outside, and falling asleep because it is so warm out, I am anticipating kids walking around in bathing suits in 50 degree weather. That will be interesting.

Speaking of interesting, I have some fun tibits of my adventures in Alaska to tell you. First of all, I spent last weekend in Juneau for our second JVC retreat. We arrived in Juneau on Friday afternoon and picked up by one of the Juneau JVs. He didn't bother driving us to their house or straight to the retreat site, we have prioities, you know. He drove us straight to the Alaskan Brewing Co. for a 2.5 hour long beer tasting. AWESOME. There is no better introduction back into society than hanging out with 28 other great people (all the JVs met there) and tasting lots of delicious beers. After having a few tastes (ok, like 10) we all headed to the Juneau JV house for birthday cakes and then headed to the Shrine, our retreat location. The Shrine was a beautiful location, full of trees, right on the water and full of marine life!

On our first night there, Justin and I went climbing on the rocks to get down to the ocean. Unfortuantely, he was wearing hiking books and I was wearing my Uggs. My Uggs are fantastic, amazing shoes, except when you need traction. In Bethel, I slip on the ice/snow on my walk to work once a week, like clockwork. On the slippery, barnacle covered rocks in Juneau, I struggled a little bit. It was even worse when we met up with PJ and some of the Anchorage JVs and tried to climb the hill back to the Shrine. Getting down the hill was easy, just kind of slide gently downhill. Climbing up, in the dark, with nothing but a little soil and mossy rock to hold onto. That was interesting. It didn't help that I was the only girl and I really felt like I needed to show that I could hang with the boys. Yea... that didn't happen. I was all sorts of clumsy and needed all the help I could get to get up the hill. Yay for strong women. Haha.

Anyway, the retreat was amazing, I love the JVs from all over Alaska, I love group reflections and I love retreats. How could I not have a blast? The weekend was full of gossip and laughter, sharing and serious talks. Also, I got to see orcas and sea lions!!!! So exciting!

Back at BABS, it has been emotional breakdown week for my students. Everyone is crying, breaking up, crying, fighting, leaving BABS, crying. Yippee! But, like I was telling a friend of mine, it is not despite of the hard days that I love my job, it is because of these hard days, and the joy that comes hand in hand, that I love my job. I can't believe my year is halfway over!

Anyway, more stories to come, I need to head out, but I hope everyone is doing well!

Love and miss you all!

Sugar Daddys and High School Drama

So, there have been a good number of you who have said I should write a book out of my experiences this year. I think you are crazy. But, I was thinking. What good book is missing some romance in the storyline? None of the books I read. Ok, you caught me, when I am home, I read romance novels like an addict. I blame my mom for getting me hooked on the literary equivalent of chick flicks. But, in my defense, I have read some intellectual books recently, The Awakening, The Alchemist, The Angry Archer (yes, I made that last one up, I just realized a theme of "The A" and I wanted to continue it.) But, lets put the fact that I read trashy romance novels aside for now and lets talk about sex, baby. No, I don't mean it. I don't really wanna talk about sex. Let's talk about romance.

I've been romanced like crazy the past few weeks. I swear, men are coming out of the woodwork like termites. Men offering me rides, gum, or just innocent chats over coffee. Unfortunately, the men are all old. Somehow, in the past few weeks, I have become the world's most powerful middle aged man magnet. I first discovered this in the Bethel airport when I was waiting to meet up with my mom and brother in Oregon. This man kept smiling at me, which is fine, everyone can smile away at me, unless they are laughing at the fact that my zipper is down... then I will be sad. But anyway, my zipper was up, I didn't have anything funny stuck to my face and yet, he was still smiling. Then, he took a seat a few seats away, there were two or three people between us, but he leans over, looks at me and asks, "Would you like a piece of gum?" I politely refused and waited for him to offer the gum to the two people he had leaned over. Nope, just me. Old man conquest #1.

Old man conquest #2 came just a few short hours later when I was sitting on the plane from Anchorage to Seattle. I was sitting in the window seat and a middle aged man came and sat in the aisle. He immediately struck up a conversation, which continued throughout boarding, even though another, larger, man came and sat down between us. After a while, I somehow hinted strongly enough that I wanted to sleep (maybe it was when I turned on my iPod and closed my eyes that he finally got it) and he stopped. But, when we were getting off the plane, he kindly offered me a ride home. But, don't worry, my mommy warned me about getting in cars with strange men.

Old man conquest #3,4, 5. These were reallllly old men. Mom, Alan and I were eating breakfast one morning at a little restaurant and were sitting right next to three men my grandfather's age. One of the men hadn't been sitting there 2 minutes before he started up a random conversation with me. Let's just say, I had those three men wrapped around my little finger by the end of breakfast.

Last, but not least, old man conquest #6. By the time I was back in the Seattle airport getting ready to head back to Bethel, I was consistently checking to see if there was a sign above me that said, "Looking for a Sugar Daddy." While I was looking, I must have hit the sign into hyper-mode because I had my most random encounter yet. I was standing in line at Starbucks to buy my mom a cup of tea and the man in front of me turns around and starts telling me all about how he is an injured vet and how he loves travelling then asks where I live. After I answer, he goes into this long lecture about the beauty of Alaska finally admitting in the end that he has never lived there. Wow. I just want the tea. And an ability to attract men my own age. Is that too much to ask?

There is good news though. I think the conquests are over, maybe it is a lower 48 phenomenon. Who knows. But, the romance is not over. Don't worry. This past weekend I was a chaperone at the BRHS homecoming dance. BRHS is the local high school and BABS students are not allowed unless they have a BABS chaperone. I didn't know about the dance in general, or the rules about chaperones until about 3 hours before the dance when one of my students came up to me at a Haitian fundraiser my roommates and I were working at, and asked me to chaperone so she could go. As you all know, I am a bit of a sucker and couldn't say no. So, I deserted the auction/concert/dinner to benefit Hati in order to fulfill a much more noble calling, a high school dance chaperone.

I have a weird history with high school dances. I never had a great high school dance, something always went wrong. So, walking into BRHS, with no idea what to do or where I was supposed to go, I was a little apprehensive. I didn't want to be that annoying chaperone who thinks she is one of the kids and busts out scary dance moves. I didn't want to be that meddling chaperone who walks around with a ruler yelling out "LEAVE ROOM FOR JESUS!" (Ok, maybe I wanted to be that chaperone... I was just too much of a wimp) So anyway, it was real awkward. I just kind of stood against the wall, hoping the time would pass fast so I could leave and meet up with some other friends. To be fair though, it was also hilarious. I got to watch my student from BABS dance with her "friend" who looked like he was having a seizure. I watched the girls dance desperately in front of a bench full of mostly disinterested guys. I watched the cliques form, just like they did in my high school. I found my crew, the awkward weirdo girls who just kind of danced with themselves and were generally ignored by everyone else. (Look how far I've come! Haha) It was a blast from the past for sure. But, by the time the dance was over, I was happy to leave. On my way out though, I saw two people down a corridor of lockers, looking like they were about to suck each other's mouths off. I paused for a moment, wondering if I should break it up, you know, be a good chaperone and all. But, I decided to keep going, I wanted to be a cool chaperone. (And I just wanted to leave...)

After I left, I headed over to a gathering of some friends. There, I was surrounded by more awkward hilarious dancing, fun friends, entertaining conversations and to my glee, a vodka tonic. After a very stressful and sometimes painful couple of weeks, I think this weekend (also filled with open mic night, a dance party for Joe's birthday, making a lemon cake and cinnamon bagels, yes I made homemade bagels! and just some quality time with my roommates) was exactly what I needed. OH! Before I forget. Another highlight of my weekend. Getting thanked for being a chaperone. The BRHS student who asked my BABS student just happens to be a Klejka, my faithful blog followers should recognize that name. Well, Jesse came by on Sunday to thank me for chaperoning so that Mary (BABS student) could go. He even gave me a gift! A half-eaten can of Pringles. WOW. Thanks Jesse. But, then today, Mary brought me a bunch of brownies and an awesome and super sweet thank you note. I bet you can guess who is my favorite. Chaperoning suddenly seems so much more worth it. Haha.

Now, I realized I haven't said much about my job recently. It is soooo much fun. I love my students, they like me most of the time and I feel so blessed to work with them. They keep my own life in perspective, they challenge me to think outside the box, they try to teach me Yup'ik (I have great pronunciation but an awful memory) they ask me about my relationships and then laugh when I tell them some stories of my relationship mishaps. I have also discovered that I love tutoring science. One of my students is doing science on independent study and I love 3rd period because that is when I get to pull out all of the knives and forks and cups and whatever else I can find for 3-D diagrams of atoms or the solar system or whatever needs explaining. I think I should go back to school and take more science classes. I shouldn't have stopped at just one in college. I feel like being at BABS has totally amplified my passions, tutoring, math, laughter, science, poetry, honesty. I don't know what I am going to do without all of my awesome, inspiring kids. Good thing I have a whole semester with them left!

As for life after JVC, I have no idea. Maybe I want to go teach English in another country, maybe I want to move to Montana and work at Cramer Creek, maybe I want to go to grad school (uh... no, I don't wanna do that yet, sorry Dad!), maybe I want to stay in Bethel. I just know that I am not ready to make that decision, I have some that I am leaning towards more than others, but for right now, I am happy where I am at, in my life, geographically and emotionally.

But of course, I still love and miss you all. I hope you are doing well!

Baby, it's cold out there! (everywhere, it seems)

Ok, I have had many people comment on my lack of blogging recently. I am really sorry. Strangely enough, I do have better things to do than sit at a computer J Just kidding. I have been busy though. The past few weeks have been a huge roller coaster but I have learned a lot of really good things. Most importantly, I have re-recognized why it felt so important for me to do JVC in the first place. First of all, I really wanted to figure out if I could be independent of my family. I had spent the first 21 years of my life in close proximity of my parents, even in college, I was always able to go home if I got sick, was heartbroken, needed a break from my college life, whatever. Moving to Bethel was going to be a huge change for me, and it has been. Being away from my family for Christmas was actually kind of hard. I missed our traditions, as dysfunctional or random as they might be. Every Christmas, my mom and I spend hours upon countless hours baking cookies to send to our neighbors and friends, we bake until I can’t eat a single more bite of cookie dough (and trust me… I can eat a lot of it). So, instead of baking for my friends and neighbors in Shoreline, I went into a baking frenzy in Bethel. It was part stress reliever, part traditional Christmas activity, and partly a way to fill the time that I was out of work for Christmas break. Important lesson learned: I have family traditions that are important to be, even if I never actually recognized them before.

Going to Christmas mass is another Bruton family tradition that I continued this year. I actually went to two. Once for the children’s mass, where I was in charge of the preschool shepards and angels. During their “speaking roles” I was crouched in front of the first pew, stage whispering “say praise the lord! Yes, you! No picking your nose sweetie! Say praise the lord! Ok, no one wants to say it? Well, come on back, good job everyone!” After that hilarious mass, I stayed with two of my housemates and hung out with Fr. Chuck, our Jesuit priest, until midnight mass. Then I was at midnight mass until Communion when my roommate Abby was called to work on a domestic violence case. We got up and I drove her to work, getting back just in time to pick up the rest of my roommates.

Christmas day was really relaxed; I made popovers, an O’Hara family tradition. Then for dinner, we all went and worked at a soup kitchen. That was a great experience. I had worked at the soup kitchen before, but it really brought Christmas into perspective for me. I had no gifts to open on Christmas, but as corny as this sounds, serving food to those much less fortunate than I, was a wonderful gift in itself. (And the food was delicious too!)

A few days after Christmas, I headed back to Maine for Amy, my cousin, and Chris’ wedding. What a culture shock. I had just spent 5 months in a place where appearance doesn’t matter and showering is overrated because it is awful being naked with wet hair for more than like 2.3 seconds. Then, I was shoved back into a world where appearance is very important. It wasn’t that I was being judged exactly, but my family strongly believes that how you look is an important part of how you carry yourself appropriately. My lack of tan, lack of cute clothes and apparent lack of interest was a shock to my family. But, at the same time, it reminded me of why I am so thankful for Bethel in the first place.

I have spent years of my life believing that I was ugly or fat or just sort of substandard. These days, I realize that whenever I admit that to people, it can come off like I am asking for some kind of compliment (oh Jill, you are beautiful, blah blah), but let’s be real, until I could believe in myself and see my own self worth, whatever anyone said to me would just be empty words. In the past few years, I had made some serious steps in the journey towards genuine self confidence and love but being in Bethel has been incredibly freeing. I found people that don’t care what I look like, people that think I look AMAZING when I take like 10 minutes to put some product in my hair. It was weird to be back in typical “civilization.” I had been back in Seattle before Thanksgiving but I wasn’t around long enough to get that vibe, I don’t think. But, enough of a rant on beauty. Let’s talk about the wedding. It was amazing. I feel so honored to have been a part of something so incredible. In so many ways, it reflected the best parts of Amy and Chris. If I ever get married, I hope to create a ceremony and a reception so full of love, friendship, fun and elegance. (Though I might give the person singing the Alleluia in my mass more than a few days/hours to prepare… thanks Amy!) My time in Maine, and my time with Amy and Chris, was way too short and just flew by. Between the dress fitting, the worrying about the snow that set in the whole time I was there, the seeing of my family and my extended family at O’Hara Corp (I know you guys are my most faithful readers, I think it is time for some recognition) But, it seemed like as soon as I adjusted to Maine, I was on my way to Montana.
What is in Montana? You may be asking yourself. Well, for one, more cold. I left Bethel in the cold, went to a blizzard in Maine, and then went to -20 degree ambient temp in Montana. Sweet. My mom and I were actually visiting my little brother. Turns out that it had been over a year since I last saw the kid, it was about time, wouldn’t you say? I only had a few days in Montana, and that visit was over way before I was ready. But, after 2 days with Alan, I had to repack my bag and head back to Seattle. I was in Seattle for only like 4 days total, if you count the in-between other state travel. Then, back to Bethel I returned.

Whew. Just recounting my 12 days away from Bethel (6 of them spent in an airport) makes me tired. I arrived back in Bethel, just in time to get settled before school started up again and the cold decided to test my determination to survive. Now that I have done a pretty long recap of the past few weeks, I will move on to something I think you will enjoy hearing about. The K300. The K300 is a dog mushing race, an actually pretty famous race in the dog mushing world. This year, some of the world’s most successful dog mushers descended upon Bethel to compete for glory. Traditionally, JVs are always checkers at the K300, this year was no exception. I, along with Justin and Abby, was sent to Tuluksak, a village about 50 miles by river trail from Bethel. On Friday, we headed to the airport and hopped in a little 6 seater plane and flew the 20 minutes it took to get there. It was a terrifying 20 minutes. First of all, the plane didn’t seem to want to start. Then, when we made it into the air, we were bumping and shaking all around. I tried to play it cool, but I was pretty darn thankful when we made it to solid ground. Once we got there, we were greeted by some people from the school who loaded up all of our stuff and then took us to our new home, the school library. We set up there and then went about trying to figure out what this whole being a checker would be like.

A few hours later, the first dog teams showed up. There were two races running through Tuluksak that weekend, the Bogus 150 and the K300. (150= 150 miles, 300=300 miles, get it?) The Bogus mushers started earlier so they got there first, funny how that works out… Well, it got pretty hectic. Dog teams showing up at the same time, people everywhere, and just plain craziness. The job of a checker is basically to check what time the musher arrived, what time the musher left, how many dogs came in, how many dogs left and most importantly, the musher’s name. Now, that last one may sound simple, but when you are all geared up for -60 degree weather (yes, I was out in that… for hours. Not four hours. For hours) it can be hard to recognize people. Mushers that I knew would come in and I would ask them their names and when they answered, I felt like an idiot. But, most of the 150 mushers went through then some K300 mushers started mixing in. They had started later but they were speeding along. This continued for hours and then by the time the K300 mushers had all gone through, we had a few hours rest before the 150 mushers were on their way back. On the way back, they were more spread out and we had over an hour between some of them. The K300 mushers were even more spread out when they came in. I think the time between the first and the last musher was almost 12 hours.
So, at Tuluksak on the way up, all the mushers just checked in with us and then peaced out. On the way back, the K300 mushers had a required 4 hour break. During that time, they fed and cared for their dogs, fed themselves, got some rest and hung out with yours truly. It was soooo cool. Dog mushing is an awesome sport. First of all, when you are mushing, you may not receive any help from anyone, except for a fellow musher. If your team gets all tangled up or won’t cooperate, the only people that can help you are your competitors. That puts a pretty cool spin on the race. It means that no matter how much they wanted to win; there was still a lot of camaraderie. While they were in the school getting themselves fed, they would talk to each other and just hang out. They also hung out with me, which was SWEET. Pretty much everyone that I talked to was so great and interesting. I learned a lot about the sport of mushing and I think I may have totally fallen in love with it.

I realize that many of you reading this probably think I am nuts. First of all, those of you that knew me when I was little know that I used to be terrified of dogs. Not anymore! I was pulling dog teams around, cuddling up with really stinky dogs and even picking up full grown dogs to bring them places. Second of all, I don’t really like the cold, I didn’t think. Well, the warmest it got that weekend was -35 with wind chill. Balmy, eh? But, I didn’t’ die. I wasn’t comfortable most of the time, but I didn’t die. In fact, I learned some really important lessons. 1. Hot hands (the warmer things) are the best invention ever. So great. 2. You can spend hours outside in -60 degree weather, if you are prepared and are not opposed to pacing around. 3. This is a really important one for the ladies… so O’Hara Corp males and others that don’t want to hear about a woman’s undergarments, skip to the next paragraph. Ok ladies, here is the deal. Do not. I repeat. DO NOT wear silky underwear in the cold. My butt was warmer in a thong than in silky fuller coverage undies. Just saying. Survival begins from the bottom layer. My butt was COLD!
Ok so anyway, back to mushing. A musher is like a basketball coach. A basketball coach who speaks English whose team speaks Japanese. A basketball coach who speaks only English but whose team speaks Japanese AND is coed. A basketball coach who speaks only English but whose team speaks Japanese and is coed AND the entire team is obsessed with sex and eating and having fun. That is what a dog musher is up against. Obviously, it works out for some people, but not all. Between bad trail conditions, the cold weather and some temperamental dogs, there were a total of 7 dog teams that had to scratch. It is not a forgiving sport. But, it is a beautiful one. I have tons of funny stories from that weekend, fixing a musher’s snowpants while he was wearing them, wanting to kill two mushers who woke me up from my 45 minute “sleep” just so that I could wait 2 hours for them to go, scaring a really shy musher half to death by making pretty simple conversation, watching grown men crawl on all fours and switch into baby talk so sweet that it made me want to gag (no, seriously, he has a dog named Celine Dion too, oh Martin Buser), yea, all good times.

So, I got back from Tuluksak on Monday afternoon, went to the awards banquet Monday night where I got to hang out with my new mushing buds. I like to say that I am on first name basis with some world-class mushers. I mean, I know their first names. Anyway, awesome awesome experience. It makes me want to go out and find a dog musher that will trust me with their dogs so I can go out and race. (To any dog musher that reads this, don’t let me do it. I would probably kill myself and your dogs, not on purpose of course!)

On Tuesday, I headed back to BABS where I spent Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday in a frantic rush to catch up with the students, with the independent study courses I am leading and with applications. Tuesday was the first day of the semester, there was just a lot going on. And I guess that brings me to today (Friday), I am currently writing this from my laptop in Shoreline and I will be heading to Oregon tomorrow with my mom and my brother for some family business. I feel like I should get some sort of award for being the most well travelled person in the WORLD. I swear, I have spent more minutes in airports in the past few weeks than minutes I have spent in the shower since I moved to Bethel. Gross? Maybe for you guys. You all just need to move to Bethel and lower your hygiene standards. Ok, another marathon blog. I hope this makes up for all the time I have neglected my faithful readers :)

Love and miss you all!