Beautiful not Pretty

I have the coolest job. I seriously wouldn't trade it for anything. Some days, I seriously consider doing a second year of JVC just to keep working at BABS. But, not even my awesome job could convince me that I should be doing a second year of JVC. I am very happy that I chose to do it, but it is not something that I think I should repeat. I just hope that I will find something as fulfilling as the work I do now.

I feel like I haven't mentioned my job much in my blog, but there have been a lot of heart-wrenching, reflection-requiring moments at BABS recently that sort of overshadow everything else that has been going on with me. I am familiar with kids with tough home lives, I am familiar with kids with learning disabilities, I am familiar with kids with alcohol and drug issues. Heck, I worked with foster kids for two years! But, just because I have encountered some of these issues before, that doesn't make it easier to deal with. It still breaks my heart to hear stories of abuse, suicide and rape. And unfortunately, I have heard all of these stories in the past two weeks.

I know I have mentioned before that I see many of my students after school hours, at events, in the dorms, ect., so I wasn't at all curious when one of the girls invited me to hang out up at the girl's dorm one day after school. But, it wasn't long before I realized that this student had some things that she wanted to talk about. She ended up sharing with me about her abusive boyfriend and how he started hitting her a few months ago and how she knew she shouldn't want to be with him, but she did. To be completely honest, I'm pretty sure that if this guy had walked in just then, I would have been very tempted to show him a good dose of abuse myself. But, my student wasn't sharing this with me because she wanted to see me try (and probably fail miserably) to beat up her boyfriend. She just wanted someone to talk to, someone that could help her put things in perspective. And, it was kind of funny to talk to her about it because I could totally see parts of myself in her. If good relationships are like a train chugging along smoothly, I seem to always hop on the trains headed straight for the big sign that says "Danger! Track stops here." I seem to enjoy ignoring the warning signs and would rather tell myself that someone probably finished the track already but just forgot to move the sign. Unfortunately, that pretty much always ends up with my train running off the cliff with me looking around going, "Oh. S**t." It was very clear that my student didn't want to hop off the train, she wanted to believe that this guy was her frog that was going to turn into a prince. I do not know what my student will end up doing with her icky frog, but I am happy that my crappy relationship experience could come in handy. If nothing else, I think she was relieved to talk to someone who knew what it was like to be holding onto the slightest glimmer of hope and I just hope our conversation will help her throw out her old playbook for one with some winning plays.

The next intense conversation I had with a student started in a very different way. My kids have a ridiculously inconvenient way of sharing issues. I will be driving 7 students to school in the morning and a student will drop a bomb like, "yea, my dad was drunk and upset last night so I couldn't sleep in the house" or "today is the 3 year anniversary of my best friend's suicide." It is always hard to judge the best way to deal with those comments. I want to acknowledge them, obviously, but I don't want to slip into therapist mode in front of everyone else. I often just come up with some (probably stupid) response and try to talk to the student later, when they are alone. And on this day in particular, I was in a group reading session with some kids when one of them starting looking almost sick and asked to go to the bathroom. When she came back, she looked worse. When I asked her if she was ok, she said no. So, I left the rest of the kids to keep reading and talked to the student about what was going on. After a little bit of prompting, she told me that she was suicidal and she had been trying to tell everyone, even me, for days and no one was getting it. I ended up making sure she had someone (professional) to talk to after school, but it was frustrating because I felt so guilty for missing it earlier. Some staff thought that she was doing it for attention, but in my opinion, I don't care if she was doing it just for kicks, I was not going to take a chance, I was going to make sure she got more help than she could stand, just so she knew that I cared and I took her seriously. But, like my conversation with the student I was mentioned earlier, I don't know where this is going to end. I hope that they are both able to find and accept the help they need, but I hate feeling like I can't fix everything for them. I can only do so much for them and it is ridiculously frustrating.

The last story I have is from another student whose story came to me in little pieces. First, I heard that he had to go to court to testify. Then, he told me that the guy he was testifying against was a "bad man." Turns out, my student had been raped when he was young by an older man and the perpetrator was just now being prosecuted. This student, however, knew exactly what he needed and who he needed help from. He told me because he wanted me to know why he was going to miss school and also why he was a little freaked out the day before. But he had a staff member go with him to court, he had a meeting the day before with his therapist, he was talking about it when he needed to, and journaling about things that were stressing him out. I know that he was a bit of a wreck, but he pulled through it all like a serious champ. I admire his strength so much.

In fact, I admire all of my students to an insane degree. Yea, I have been with guys that have treated me like crap, but they have never been violent, I have been depressed and felt worthless, but I have never thought that I needed to end my life, I have been betrayed, but no one has ever crossed the line that far. I have carried my share of burdens in my life, but my students carry so much and still find joy and love everyday. How could I not love my job? I have the opportunity to work with and care for some of the most amazing young people in the world. Life at BABS might not always be pretty, but it is always beautiful.

I have mentioned this to many of you before, but my decision to come to Bethel was made in a very similar way to how I decided to go to Seattle University. I tried to convince myself to go somewhere less expensive, but not-so-deep-down I knew that SU was where I belonged. Then, when I was applying for JVC, I knew I wanted to be in Bethel, even though that kind of terrified me. Looking back on the past few months, on my job, on my friendships, my roommates, my life, it is immediately clear that I made another great decision. Now, I just need to wait for my gut to tell me what I need to do about next year! (Unfortunately, my gut is being stubbornly quiet these days, I will let you know when I find out more.)

Anyway, I still love you. I still miss you. And I am still very grateful for all of you, the wonderful people in my life. Thank you!