What has also helped me is being gone for 2 weeks. Let me explain. I got back from a volleyball tournament in Dillingham to news that my family was trying to get a hold of me. When I called my parents, I found out that my grandmother was very sick and my whole family was flying to New Jersey to be with her. I flew out of Bethel the next morning. Unfortunately, getting to the east coast from Bethel took me almost a full 24 hours, and she had passed on 14 hours before I arrived. I was sad that I missed saying goodbye, it had been years since the last time I had actually seen her, but it was also good to see all of my aunts that were there. I hadn't seen them in years either. So, I spent two days with my family and got to know my grandmother better. Is that weird to say? Probably. I just mean, I got to learn a lot more about her, see more pictures, hear more about her life than I think I ever had before. It was definitely an eye-opening experience. After New Jersey, I flew back to Seattle. It was a Thursday and I had actually be planning on being in Seattle that following Sunday for Christina and Josh's wedding, so I had three extra days in Seattle.
For the next week an a half, I relaxed, I did wedding things (learned how to tie/do/make/whatever-you-call-it a bustle, went to Christina's hair and makeup trial, ect), I saw some friends, got my teeth cleaned, got new contacts, got my hair cut and dyed, hung out with my family, took a Zumba class (so fun!), basically, I did all sorts of Bethel things.
The highlight of my Seattle time, though, was definitely Christina and Josh's wedding. This was only my second wedding, but I don't know how the two weddings I have seen can possibly topped. My cousin Amy's wedding in January was beautiful and touching and individual. Christina and Josh's was all the same things, in incredibly different ways. I don't know how to explain it. Ugh. It was great. Being the Maid of Shame (you know, the person who is on the other end of the Maid of Honor and the one who walks out with the Worst Man, haha) was a wonderful honor. I just have some awesome friends who had an awesome wedding and who are so ridiculously in love that it kind of makes me gag.
So, after all of that, I headed back to Bethel. I have only been back like 2.5 days and I can already tell that going home was sooooo good for me. Honestly, I have been regretting my decision to stay in Bethel ever since August. I have been unhappy, depressed and downright cranky about my situation since then. But, for the first time since August, I am so happy to be here. I really feel like this is where I should be right now. Basically, I hopped back into Bethel life just while it was becoming a complete shitshow (excuse my french). It is PFD time (you know, the check that people who live in Alaska get because they live in Alaska) and it just screws everything up. Suddenly people have more money and therefore they have more access to alcohol, drugs, and other awesomely healthy things. Domestic violence, suicide, and public drunkenness rates all skyrocket during this time. As I'm sure you can guess, this has a really great effect on my students. Their often shaky home lives become straight up disasters. One of my students came to me on Monday stressed because her brother was missing and the last time anyone had seen him, he was really drunk. Later that day, she came to me in tears saying that her brother had passed away. In fact, there has been so much drama recently, my coworker (and twin separated at birth- where I was then frozen for a few years) Adrian and I have joked that we should just put a sign on our door that says, "the doctor is in."
During all of this turmoil, however, I have found more peace than I have felt in months. First of all, I finally know what I want to do and it is all thanks to a conversation that I had with Matt Salazar when I was home. For years I have said that I want to work with students in an academic setting, but I don't want to be teacher. I enjoy working with student through emotional turmoil, I love making them successful humans first and then successful students second. I could never put a title to what I wanted to do, until my conversation with Matt. He asked me why I had never considered being a therapist. I immediately rejected the idea, I hate therapists (I've had some terrible therapy sessions in my life. Ok, 2. 2 out of 2. But whatever, I still think the profession sucks.) But, now that Matt planted that seed, I can't get it out of my head. I have now decided that I want to be a school counselor. Man, that just feels right. So now I'm looking at different schools and I am going to figure out how to make all that happen. But for right now, I should take this time to thank Matt Salazar for quite possibly changing the trajectory of my life. Sweet. I'm so excited.
I'm also excited because I am feeling way more healthy, happy and settled in my own skin than ever before. I know what I want to do with my life, I'm getting lots of practice with therapy (but still praying that the drama dies down soon, for everyone's sake), and I finally feel happy with myself. For those of you who know the constant drama that accompanies my personal life most of the time, you will be happy to know that for the first time in a long time, I am single, fully single, with no attachments to a guy, no drama (shocking! I know!), just me. And god does it feel good. I have never had a minute of my life since high school where I wasn't convinced that I needed to be with someone (someone specific or some shadowy future someone), until now. Right now, the thought of dating someone makes me kind of want to gag. Seriously. I'm sure eventually I'm going to change my mind and want to date again, but for right now, I am so thrilled with the knowledge that I finally realize that I am enough. I am enough for myself. That realization was a long time coming.
So anyway, I'm good (with volleyball). I'm great (because I finally know what I want to be when I grow up). I'm Jill (you know, the girl who finally understands who she is, even without a significant other). And I love you a lot.
No comments:
Post a Comment